Possibilities

We all have those days where our possibilities seem hopeless. We get caught up in life's daily struggles and lose sight of ourselves, who we are, what we have and where we are going.

One of my favorite people is Maya Angelou.  Her words and quotes are so empowering and really make you stop and think about how you view life and it's possibilities.  One of my favorite quotes of hers is "Each of us has that right, that possibility, to invent ourselves daily.  If a person does not invent herself, she will be invented.  So, to be bodacious enough to invent ourselves is wise."

We really do invent ourselves each day.  Today we are not the same person we were yesterday, nor tomorrow will we be the same as we were today.  Each day sets us on a path, maybe not always going in the direction that we thought we would or hoped, but this path defines who we are at that moment.  If we lose sight of our possibilities for today, how can we expect that we won't lose focus on our possibilities for tomorrow?  And if each day we don't invent ourselves, then we leave it in the hands of others to invent us.  Is that really what we want?  Inventing yourself doesn't have to be a conscious decision, something you think about.  It's about believing in yourself, believing that you are special.  Believing that it's your right to be who you are, not what other people expect you to be.  Believing that your possibilities are endless. Believing to believe, to always want, to always strive, to always invent yourself into the person you want to be.

So, "Each of us has that right, that possibility, to invent ourselves daily.  If a person does not invent herself, she will be invented.  So, to be bodacious enough to invent ourselves is wise."

Mostly Good Days...

Good days, bad days.  We all have our share of both.  I would have to say I have mostly good days.  Sometimes, that darn bad day creeps up on me, although not welcomed with open arms.  Today is one of those bad days.  Probably triggered by the massive migraine I have had since this morning, which by the way, has NOT gone away, although somewhat easing off and "tolerable" (or as tolerable as a migraine can be (chock it up to good drugs still working their magic)).  Why am I not asleep??? Dogs, phones, computers, kids, neighbors, you name it, it's kept me awake!  Which if anyone knows migraine drugs, is not an easy thing to do, stay awake!

So this migraine, which has triggered my bad day, has really triggered other emotions.  Emotions I really don't want to deal with today.  So now, I'm an emotional mess, missing what seems to be everyone!  Why is it that the people that you want the most are always so far away?  Ok, they are not really that far away, just a phone call, email, or text away.  But I can't see them at this moment!  And, now is when I need to see them most... (warning, emotional mess coming up!)

I'm missing my best friend!  The one person that I can talk to about anything, who has definitely seen me at my best, and my worst, who has listened to me cry and laugh and has been there for everything else since I moved to this hell hole...  I know Reno is just a short flight away, but right now it's just too far away...

I need my girl Robin!  Who is 20 minutes down the road, but who I never get to see anymore... My friend... who I swear we are the same person inside, just in different bodies... Who has been there from the beginning and end of my "past life" and now the beginning and end of "my new life"... We have had our ups and downs, but she is my girl...

Missing everyone else in-between.  You know who you are.  Don't have to say it.

Most of all, I'm missing the one person I can't see! Or talk to!  Or listen to!  Ok, emotional mess in full swing... sparing you all... will return shortly...

So, migraine go away.  Not welcome any more. Being kicked.  Bad days no longer.  Pulling myself back together.  On with GOOD DAYS! 

Life Is Good!

Life is good!  I know I've said it a bunch of times, but it really is.  Sure, there will always be things missing, things that could be tweaked, things in my way, but they are things, and things can be changed.   It's really all just your perception on how you move toward or away from those things.  Positive attitude is everything!  Of course, it can't actually change anything, but can change how you look at it, and that is they key.

I may not have the greatest job, but I love the people I work with.  I may not live in the nicest place, but it's not a cardboard box hidden in the bushes.  I may not have a lot of money, but I have enough that we have the things that we need (and a little of what we want).  I may not be a supermodel with a perfect body, but I am perfect, perfect for me.  I may not be where I want to be, but that is just a matter of packing up and getting there.  All these things are perceptions, my perceptions; work, home, money, looks, and location are all things that can be tweaked, adjusted and changed.

Who says you have to accept things as they are?  We are constantly changing, and change is good. The ride along the way may be a bumpy one. Things may not always go in the direction you thought they would.  They may not make a lot of sense, yet.  They may look you directly in the face and make you ask why?  They may look completely impossible.  Perception; bumpy eventually turns into smooth, direction gets you where you're going, sense makes you want it even more, why makes the sense make more sense and impossible is never really impossible.

My Life is Good! 

As They Come...

Life certainly hasn't dealt me the cards that I expected it would.  Regardless, I've learned to make the best of things, as they come.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, they are obviously lessons I was meant to learn.  I've realized that there doesn't always need to be a plan.  For those who know me planning is something that I have always done.  With planning comes the pressure to succeed, and if I didn't succeed, in my own eyes I was a failure.  But looking back, I really wasn't a failure, things just took a different path, and I can say now that was ok.  I am learning to look past the "plan" and just go with it.  Just going with it has certainly led me in some interesting directions recently...  I certainly don't know how things will end up, and what kind of experiences I'll be faced with and I'm ok with that, because I am enjoying this little place called the unknown.

The unknown... certainly a very scary place for me, but also someplace that I'm learning to kind of enjoy.  Is this the start of new things to come?  So far, I've seen good things in the unknown, so I'm willing to give it a shot, take it as it comes, and enjoy every minute of it.  Makes me wonder how many things have I missed out on by not just going with it?  So for now, I'm letting it ride.  Seeing how far it can go.  Wondering what other good things are in that place that I never really ventured to go...  Want to take this ride with me, into the unknown?  So, let's go...

Knowing

Do we ever really know what we want?  Sure, we have some type of idea in maybe a direction, but in the outcome?  And if we do, is it wrong that it changes, many times?  Just as soon as I think I know what I want or how I want something to go, it changes, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.  I wouldn't call it indecisiveness, because that's not a word in my regularly vocabulary, and I am decisive, but the decision itself is changing.

How is this possible, for me anyway? I know people are ever-evolving, including myself, but shouldn't I have some type of idea at this point in my life?  Things still seem so crazy, but in a calm way.  Can that really be possible, crazy and calm together?  Ok, really anything is possible.  How about likely?  Can they work together?  I guess they can. 

In my life I have realized that anything is possible, and the most unlikely consequences are usually the best ones.  I am constantly evolving, although I don't always see the good in it, but that's only my perception, which in reality is probably pretty screwed up. 

So, back to my original question.  Do we ever really know what we want?  Should we?  Should we have things planned out, or just see what comes?  Should these decisions happen before a certain point in life, or is it normal that I'm still winging it? Is it just me that says I have to have things planned out, and is it ok if some days I think I don't have to? I guess it would be easy to realize that I don't know what I want. Ok, I do, but in an incomplete way, and I guess that's ok.  But, is it really ok?  Jury is still out deliberating...

Conundrum

So, I have a bit of a conundrum (yes, that's a big word)... I'm a a crossroads and not sure which path to take.  Certain things haven't exactly turned out like I hoped, or like I planned.  Although I'm at the beginning of the road and there's still a long way to travel, I'm questioning whether that road is the right road, or if I should just turn around and go back.  I know time will only tell whether the decision was the right one, but I'm not sure I want to wait.  I guess things will turn out like they are supposed to, and if turning around and going back is the right thing, it will happen that way. Waiting, yuck, so not one of my favorite words....

Why is it that we think sometimes that we are making the right decisions, but in reality looking back, it probably wasn't? Is it the need for adventure?  Change?  I know they say change is good, and it is, but sometimes change really isn't what we wanted at all.  Change is good, I believe that.  I have made some good changes, and I am thrilled to see where they are going to lead me, but sometimes I wonder if this was the right time.  Not on everything, just some things.  We become content in the way things are, and that's our comfort zone.  Breaking from the comfort zone isn't always easy, and it's just sometimes downright scary.  It's a necessity of life however.  I guess things will work out as they are supposed to.  Who says you have to be happy with change or with contentment, can't you have a little of both?  I guess that's where I'm at now.  I want both, to be content with change.  Can it happen?  Not sure, but I'm gonna try.  Hell, I'll never stop trying!

Changes

Changes are coming, good changes and much deserved changes.  A new chapter is beginning, which I hope will lead to more chapters and other beginnings...

It's been a long and sometimes difficult road, but I knew the end of the road was out there, just didn't know when it was coming.  I'm finally in a good place.  I'm beginning a new career, which I have worked really hard to get to, but has come with a lot of sacrifices.  I've said goodbye to the past, once and for all, and now looking forward to the future, my new future. 

I have opened myself up to the possibility of new relationships, and look at each one that comes my way as a special thing and not a reminder of the past.  I'm realizing that there are good people out there, and people who will see me for who I really am, and not what they want me to be.  People who accept me as I am and like what they see.  And I like who I am and like what I see, and that's the most important thing, because who says that your own opinion isn't important, it is, it is the most important because if you like yourself, others will too.

So, come on in change, I'm glad to see you, you are welcome here and I have been waiting for you a long time.  I'm interested to see what you have in store for me, good or bad. Bring it!

Change.... :)

Happy

I have to say, for a Monday, it's an OK day.  Didn't sleep well last night, but not overly tired.  Don't want to be at work, but then again, guess it's not so bad.  Could be due to the fact that I only have a few days left here (yep, that's probably it).  Weather is not great, but the sun is shining.  Yep, not a bad day at all.

Although my weekend plans were rained out, it was a great weekend anyway.  Spent some great quality time with my men!  That's always a fun time! We layed around, goofed off, watched some great movies (Sixteen Candles, Titanic, Dirty Dancing), did a lot of shopping and ate some incredibly fattening foods (who says you have to stay on track and eat healthy everyday, right?).  Yep, good times.

Although I am extremely nervous about the upcoming week, I am also very excited.  Very excited to start another new chapter in my life, looking forward to all the upcoming changes and meeting new people.  I can honestly say that I am happy with my life, happy with where I'm at, happy that I have two great boys, happy with my two incredibly spoiled dogs, happy with a great group of people that I am honored to call my friends, and happy with my family; my sister and her group of boys/men (all of them) and most of all the wonderful man I call my father... I wouldn't be anywhere without any of you, so because of you, I am HAPPY!

Enjoy your day, share your happiness, be thankful that you are here and that you are important and loved, because I am!

Words/Laziness/Future/Words

When I previously said I didn't have a lot to say, I didn't really mean I had NOTHING to say for almost 2+ weeks... what in the world has come over me?  I didn't disappear for any reason other than things have been crazy busy, trying to finish up at work, train a new person, finish up at school (Yes, 4 class days left) and get everything together to go on externship.

Is being crazy busy a reason to disappear?  It's not like formulating my thoughts is really time consuming... Ok, I have a million thoughts going through my head at any given time, but really, how many of them actually make way to the surface and out of my mouth (or fingers in this case)?  Maybe it's just laziness on my part, after all, I suppose I have the right to be lazy occasionally.  Who says you always have to be moving, thinking or doing something?  I really wish laziness would appear in my life more often than it does, but we don't always get what we wish for, right?

Chaos is definitely in full swing!  I am ready to end this week and see what the next several days holds for me.  Hopefully the weather will hold out at least for a while this weekend so my weekends plans don't end up "all wet" (Ha, I crack myself up!)!  I am ready for some me time, which at this time includes some drag racing, a hair appointment with the Fabulous Saskia, some baking and who knows what else.  Maybe a date?  Yes, a date?  I know words I always thought would never venture from my mouth again.  Am I ready for this?  I'm still not entirely sure.  I am still regularly forced back to the past, like it or not.  I wish it would disappear (yes, back to that wonderful word disappear), but we can't exactly take back the past now can we?  Am I ready to begin that part of my life in the present and future?  I guess time will tell.  I'll keep ya posted!

Ok, well, here we are again... back to lack of words.  On that note, we'll save the rest for later.  I'm sure I'll have a lot to say, I always do.  See, I just did!  :)

Words?

So lately I have found myself without a lot to say.  This is a strange thing for me.  Me?  Nothing to say?  How weird is that?  I have no explanation why.  No cause behind it.  Just is.  Could this be a sign of something to continue?  Who would I be without anything to say?  Ok, I babble, everyone does, but nothing meaningful, thought provoking, idiotic, sarcastic?  What is this world coming to?

I'm not depressed.  I'm not sad.  I'm not bouncing with happiness either.  I feel like I have reached a lull... Level, even, not tipped one way or the other.  This is an odd place for me.  Should I snap out of it, or just enjoy the ride?  I'm not sure.  This scares me a little because when things are level, that's when chaos ensues...  Yes, chaos, one of my favorite words.  My life, usually completely chaotic...  Now, level, even, not tipped one way or the other.  I feel like I'm repeating myself.  See what happens when I don't have a lot to say?

I should always have something to say.  Everyone who is anyone says you have to have something to say.  Really?  Everyone who is anyone?  Is nothingness really all that bad?  Ok, I suppose it could be, but in brief excerpts, it can't be all that bad...  Maybe I should enjoy the fact that my mind isn't going 500 miles an hour with 5 million thoughts zipping through one right after the other, and just sit in my nothingness... Nah, this is me we're talking about... I couldn't calm my mind if I tried, but for some reason the thoughts aren't coming out, they're stuck... Lucky for you that they are stuck because I know I tend to say way to much.  I guess I am still saying way too much.  Whew!  I was worrying myself.  I guess I have lots to say. I'm ok.  I'm alright.  My nothingness is something, and my lack of words really isn't.  Thank goodness...