It All Started With a Sweater

A flood of emotions came to me this morning.  While looking for a jacket so I can take the dogs out in the chilling 31 degree Phoenix air, in the back of my closet I found a sweater.  A sweater that I completely forgot was there.  It's that one thing in your closet, the one you forgot about, the one that brings up so many memories that you find on a cold morning, that in one way you are happy about so you can think about the life behind it, but on the other hand want to put back and forget that you ever found... yep, that's me right about now...  Do I put it back and forget I ever saw it?  Or, do I grab it, put it on and all the thoughts and memories surrounding it are right there in my face?  They're not bad memories, just memories, which eventually bring tears.  Am I emotionally ready to handle these tears? Now?  So early in the morning?  I'm not a crier, well ok, sometimes I am, but not usually... So far I am holding them back, trying to remember without the tears, trying to remember that crying won't change the memories, it will just make my face puffy and my nose congested, and is that really how I want to begin my day?

Well, who says you have to fight it?  The sweater is on.  It's too big, but yet fits just right.  Even though it's been washed, it smells perfect.  Even though it wasn't mine originally, it's mine now...  It's not a beautiful sweater, but the owner was beautiful.  Not a warm sweater, but giving me the warmth and comfort I need.  Why was it hiding in my closet?  Why am I not wearing it everyday?  Why can't I be faced with its memories, after all, good or bad, memories are memories, and they are to be cherished, right?  Am I just being silly?

Whatever... I am wearing it proudly, and thinking about all the wonderful times behind it and the owner, who was wonderful and amazing and is very much missed.  Ok, now the tears are starting, damn it! Tears or no tears, I miss you.  There, I've faced it. I said it.  Not that I don't face these emotions every day, some days are stronger than others, some days are in my face, some days are faint in the back of my mind, but still there...

I think today is one of those days, all of those days, and it all started with a sweater...