Words?

So lately I have found myself without a lot to say.  This is a strange thing for me.  Me?  Nothing to say?  How weird is that?  I have no explanation why.  No cause behind it.  Just is.  Could this be a sign of something to continue?  Who would I be without anything to say?  Ok, I babble, everyone does, but nothing meaningful, thought provoking, idiotic, sarcastic?  What is this world coming to?

I'm not depressed.  I'm not sad.  I'm not bouncing with happiness either.  I feel like I have reached a lull... Level, even, not tipped one way or the other.  This is an odd place for me.  Should I snap out of it, or just enjoy the ride?  I'm not sure.  This scares me a little because when things are level, that's when chaos ensues...  Yes, chaos, one of my favorite words.  My life, usually completely chaotic...  Now, level, even, not tipped one way or the other.  I feel like I'm repeating myself.  See what happens when I don't have a lot to say?

I should always have something to say.  Everyone who is anyone says you have to have something to say.  Really?  Everyone who is anyone?  Is nothingness really all that bad?  Ok, I suppose it could be, but in brief excerpts, it can't be all that bad...  Maybe I should enjoy the fact that my mind isn't going 500 miles an hour with 5 million thoughts zipping through one right after the other, and just sit in my nothingness... Nah, this is me we're talking about... I couldn't calm my mind if I tried, but for some reason the thoughts aren't coming out, they're stuck... Lucky for you that they are stuck because I know I tend to say way to much.  I guess I am still saying way too much.  Whew!  I was worrying myself.  I guess I have lots to say. I'm ok.  I'm alright.  My nothingness is something, and my lack of words really isn't.  Thank goodness...

Fight!

Today is not about me, my life, or my struggles, because who says you always have to write about yourself?  It is about something very dear to my heart.  Something that I am proud to say I became a part of last year because of a precious little boy named Asher, and his two amazing parents, Rachel and Jeremy.  Asher has Cystic Fibrosis.  Each day Asher fights to breathe.  No one should have to fight for something that we all have so easily- breath.  Unfortunately, people living with Cystic Fibrosis do just that, fight. 

I always go back to, and have said many times, that I am not one to ask for help, and I definitely am NOT!  Last year I bombarded my family and friends with requests to help find a cure for this horrible disease, and I am going to do it again. Not for me, but for Asher, and Paxon, and all the other sweet innocent children who suffer from this daily fight to breathe...



http://vimeo.com/11828066


Please, please help us find a cure, and make a donation to Cystic Fibrosis!

(The link to my fundraising page is below)

Jennifer Greer is taking strides to make "CF" stand for "Cure Found!" Visit Jennifer's GREAT STRIDES Home Page at http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/dsp_DonationPage.cfm?walkid=7450&idUser=438422

Mind Games

So, I'm curious into how our minds work, and why/how we think about or dream about things that we shouldn't, or don't want to, or haven't even thought about...  What causes mind games, and what purpose do they have? 

Early this morning I dreamt about a person that I didn't want to dream about, not sure why I dreamt about, and woke up with a complete "wtf" moment...  This person brings up too many memories, things that I have worked really hard to forget.  Ok, forget isn't the right word exactly, maybe put out of my mind (who says you have to forget, just locked away).  This person shouldn't even have a moment of my time, and definitely shouldn't even be a thought in my mind.  So, why out of nowhere do I dream?  I didn't think about this person this weekend, and I certainly didn't expect to dream about them, so why now?  And why out of no where do these thoughts emerge?  Just wondering...

And why are my dreams always about things I don't want to think about or remember?  Where are the happy ending, fairy tale dreams?  Where are the beach dreams, vacation dreams, candy cane and merry-go-round dreams?  How come I don't have those types of dreams?  But no, mine have to be depressing, about people I don't want to think about, people I shouldn't think about, so what kind of mind game am I playing on myself?

So, today I face the world somewhat irritated, and I shouldn't be, more like what are you doing to yourself and why?  What inside me wanted that dream, because the majority of me is saying leave me alone, don't invade my thoughts, my dreams, my life... you've already wasted too much of all of them, and don't deserve a minute or second more... So how do you stop the mind games?  Where do they come from?  Why do they exist?  Again, just wondering...

Perfection-Part 2

Ok, back to this whole perfection-control freak-OCD thing I have going on...  I'm trying to figure out why I am so hard on myself, and why I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, when in reality, nothing and no one is ever really perfect.  One side of my brain is telling me you're being ridiculous, but the other is telling me to try harder.  Over the past week I have tried really hard to just take a step back, look at the situation, relax a little and try to just do my best instead of always striving to be the BEST.  Sometimes a little adjustment works wonders and is just the thing to put you at the top.

So, my inner struggle has calmed to a low hum, although failing is still not an option, but stepping back, reassessing the situation and relaxing has gotten me over that edge that I was dangling on.  Success was accomplished, with it's share of stress, but regardless, accomplished. 

Who says you have to strive for perfection when in reality your best should be it's own perfection, and with that comes success... Even the smallest things can be changed for the better by making small adjustments and realizing that doing your best is the BEST.

Perfection

Ok, so if you know me well at all you will know that I am a perfectionist!  Everything has to be perfect at all times.  This includes my home, cleaning, work, school and everything in between.  I think it all falls under that whole control freak thing that I have going on (some people call it OCD!).  I don't normally set up to do things perfectly, things just typically come pretty easy for me.  Until now...

I am completely struggling on something so easy that I'm ready to pull my hair out and scream!  This is doing a number on me, and completely messing with my head.  I know I need to give myself a little credit, take a step back and relax, but hey, this is ME we are talking about.  Like that would ever happen, HA!

Deep breath in.... Deep breath out....

I know I can be a little hard on myself, and when I am in perfectionist mode, it's 100 times worse, but how many times do you, or should you, continue to make something work, when it's just not?   Not an easy question to answer, especially when your entire existence is surrounded by it working.  Who says you have to make it work?  I do! Ok, I know we can't always be perfect at everything, but try telling that to my head...

So, what do you do when your inner self is fighting for perfection, but your outer self is bucking it?  That's my struggle right now... I've got to get this, it's not an option to not get it.  It's a pass/fail kinda thing, and I'm failing.  Yes, I'm failing... Big accomplishment to get those words out.  Who is this person?  Me, failing?  How can this be?  I'm fighting it, I've got to fight it!  I can't fail (remember, OCD control-perfection freak?)!  I won't fail!

Deep breath in....  Deep breath out....

To be continued...............

Unexpected Good Things!

They say good things come to those who wait, and I really believe that's true.  Although it may sounds silly to most, today something came to me.  Something completely unexpected!  A good thing, a great thing!

Today I won $800 on the radio.  Although $800 may not seem like a lot, and really it's not, it is to me. I have been so stressed about money, that this gift couldn't have come at a better time.  What did I have to do for it?  Not much but enter a radio station contest online, and wait to hear my name called, then call the radio station within 8 minutes to win.  Sounds easy, right?

Normally, I wouldn't enter things like this, after all I have the worst luck ever.  But for whatever reason I entered this contest, and entered it almost a year ago.  The contest itself ended months ago, and I completely forgot all about it. Today was the start of the contest for this year, 2011.  The first name called was at 8am, and it was MY NAME!  How freaking weird!  Freaking weird in the fact that I would normally be at work at 8am, and although the radio is on, it's background noise and I don't pay much attention to it.  But this morning Seth had an orthodontist appointment so I was in the car at 8am.  Lucky for me!

I totally had that moment where I know I heard my name, was sure I heard my name, but thought there was no way I heard my name.  After all, I know there are other people in Phoenix with the same name, so it couldn't  have been me.  That was until I heard my name from Chandler, AZ.  Oh my gosh, it was me!  I'm not sure who was freaking out more... Me or Seth!  Now the fun part was to begin, trying to call the radio station back within 8 minutes... Yes, I've tried before to get a never-ending busy signal.  Not today!  The phone immediately rang and someone answered within the first 2 rings.  Yes, they answered, they really did call my name, it was me! 

Of course, $800 wasn't the immediate prize.  I had to go the entire day waiting, building $100 at a time.  How lucky am I that most people are probably just like me, have the radio on, but using it as background noise and not paying attention to the other names being called.  $100 by $100... how stressful, exciting and fun, all wrapped up together!  Now, I would have been just as thrilled with $100, as it was $100 more than I started out with this morning, but the excitement of waiting each hour to see if anyone else responds to their name and then waiting for the call from the radio station was almost unbearable.  I had the entire office routing, for ME!

During the day, I did more radio spots than I could count, but it was extremely fun.  I will say that it is very strange hearing yourself on the radio... I realized that I still do have a southern accent, which is ok, just strange to hear... I thought I lost it years ago... A friend told me today that you can take the girl out of Kentucky, but you can't take Kentucky out of the girl... So, I'll keep my Kentucky twang...  It's a good thing!

So, all in all, it was a great start to my week. At this point, things can only get better... Am I done wishing and waiting for good things, NAH... (anyways, who says you have to stop at just one)...

One last thought... you may think good things come to everyone but you... I definitely have thought that too many times to count... today I was proved wrong.  Good things come in all different kinds of packages and come to everyone.  Sometimes you just have to wait a little longer... but that's ok.  Wait... and when you least expect it, it will come to you...

Quiet

This is the part of the day that I love on the weekends... It's early, no one is awake except me, not even the dogs...  I don't have to talk to anyone, listen to anyone, hear the tv, phones ringing, kids bickering.... Just complete quiet!

The quiet is an amazing thing!  It's where you can think about the past, the present and the future.  It's where a good book becomes a great book.  Where life seems to be at a standstill and nothing matters except that quiet little moment...  I'm sure there will come a day when I long for the quiet to disappear, but for now, in this moment, I am going to treasure it, and who says you have to give up that small little sliver of peace, even if it only lasts just briefly?

We get so caught up in our day to day lives, running here and there, working, school, family, kids... that we forget to take a minute to just breathe and ignore everything around us and just be in that quiet, brief, little moment.

For most, these moments come very rarely.  For some, they are constant.  Enjoy it!  Crave it!  Cherish it!  Use these moments to take a step back, think about everything or about nothing.  They are your moments.  They are quiet moments, and they should be treasured.

M.I.A.

I've been MIA the past couple of days.  I have been a little under the weather, trying really hard to get passed it.  For me, this really puts a cramp on my "schedule."  With so much going on daily, between work, school and family, it's important, for me anyway, to keep things on track and not let them stray.  Yes, some people would refer to that as being a control freak, and in some ways, ok a lot of ways, ok most ways, I am a control freak.  Staying in bed all day really makes me feel worse, but there has to come a time when you have to give into what your body is telling you, and today was that day, and who says you have to fight it?  Giving in to being sick isn't an easy task for me.  Especially when it puts a dent into "my time."  Tonight was my monthly massage, the massage that I look forward to every 30 days, like clockwork.  But tonight, I cancelled it, and have resolved that I need to continue to lounge in bed. I figure that if I have any plans to get up and out this weekend, staying in bed is probably what I really need to do.  So here I sit, in bed.  Ughh... this is really hard for me.

All this lounging, with a lot of sleeping, has got my mind wandering...

Thinking about tomorrow and the stress that comes with it.  Tomorrow I will be attending a memorial service.  A memorial for a sweet child who was taken way too soon.  I have been fighting with whether to go, or not go.  I think however that it's very important to support wonderful people dealing with such a terrible loss, and let them know that there are many people out there who feel for them, and are marveled in their never-ending devotion and strength that they are showing during such a stressful time in their lives.  So, I'm sure I'll pick myself up and go.

Thinking about how I need to get up and get back into life, and continue to improve on the personal strength I have found over the past few years.  Although being single and alone has it's moments, being alone and finding myself again has been very healing. And healing at this time in my life is what it's all about...

Ok, enough thinking.  Back to resting so that tomorrow I can face the day and get out of bed and motivate myself back into life and reality...

Run Away

Do you ever have those days where you just want to run away from it all, from everything, from everyone?  I'm having one of those days.  Ok, I know running doesn't solve anything, so you can stop saying it, but seriously, I want to run away right now. 

I often wonder why things seems so easy for most people.  I know in reality it's not.  Everyone has their struggles, it's just different for each person.  It always seems however that my struggles just seem to escalate and never get easier.  Ok, I know it's been a rough couple of years for me with losing a parent, my job, my husband and family, my house and my entire way a life.  I am very grateful for the things I do have.  My boys, my father, sister, nephews, nieces, family and friends, but why does it always seem like I am working extra hard just to keep things afloat? 

Ok, I have, and very much love my father, and don't know what I would do without him.  And I found another job, albeit not the greatest job, but it's a job.  And the husband and family... well, that's a story for another day.  I found another place to live, and honestly, I am very happy there, and love my downsized, little place, but where does the "ease" come in...  Things seem harder, now more than ever.  I'm trying to be positive, really I am, but just as I think I see a little light and a little glimpse that things are looking up, WHAM! and I'm right back to where I started.  Ok, this isn't a pitty party, or a "poor me" session, but who says you have to always be up and chipper? 

I've gone back to school to find a better job and hopefully find some of that "ease", but now it's harder than ever.  I know my kids are suffering not having me home at night.  Hell, I'm suffering not being there.  It's the he said/he said game daily, and it's frankly driving me batty! Kids are kids, and they will always bicker and fight, but I feel like I am completely neglecting my kids.  And what's going to happen when school is over, and to survive I have to work 2 jobs?  What kind of parent am I or will I be then?  And if I don't have time for my kids, what about the rest of my family and friends?  I'm neglecting everyone!  (I warned you it was one of those days!)

So, do you see why I want to run away?  Why I want to disappear?  Will I, no, of course not... I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.  Give me a few minutes and I'm sure the feelings of running will dwindle, and things will be easier, not easy, just easier. 

I guess easier is what I'll accept, for now.

Balance...

Normally, I would prefer to read a book before watching a movie, but who says you have to, so I decided to put my preferences aside, and last night I watched "Eat. Pray. Love."  What a great movie.  Not because the movie itself was good, or the actors were great, but because of the meaning behind it.  This got me thinking, which of course kept me thinking most of the night (which meant hardly any sleep), and thinking well into the day today that I need to Eat. Pray. and Love.  I need to find that inner balance that I am so desperately missing.  I know it's missing, it's been missing for, well, forever.  I just don't know how exactly to find it.

Obviously, going to Italy, India and Bali isn't in my cards.... Italy:  Although the scenery would be amazing, I would starve to death.  Forget the fact that I am not an Italian food fan (and I'm part Italian, HA!), I'm pretty sure their Gluten Free options are non-existent, and vegetables, ICK!  India... I could so handle the praying part, heck, I think I've already been there, but how amazing would it be to have that deep of prayer and meditation, but do I really have to go India to find it?  Probably not.  Now Bali... Oh how I would love to visit Bali... Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful... But if I have to go to Bali to find true love?  I think I'm screwed!

So, how can I combine all three places, here in Phoenix, at home surrounded by my family and friends, and how do I find that inner balance?  I'm waiting for that sign or maybe that sign is waiting for me... At times I think I'm close, or that I've been just about there, but for some reason I can't seem to make it over that "hump", which is a little thing called LIFE! 

Would I give up a year of my life to find it?  Could I give up a year of my life to find it?  Do I have to give up a year of my life to find it?

So, I'm searching.  Deep inside myself for the answers. For the meaning.  For it.  I have no doubt that I'll find it, I'm a pretty determined girl.  So I'll Eat.  I'll Pray.  And hopefully, I'll find Love.

It All Started With a Sweater

A flood of emotions came to me this morning.  While looking for a jacket so I can take the dogs out in the chilling 31 degree Phoenix air, in the back of my closet I found a sweater.  A sweater that I completely forgot was there.  It's that one thing in your closet, the one you forgot about, the one that brings up so many memories that you find on a cold morning, that in one way you are happy about so you can think about the life behind it, but on the other hand want to put back and forget that you ever found... yep, that's me right about now...  Do I put it back and forget I ever saw it?  Or, do I grab it, put it on and all the thoughts and memories surrounding it are right there in my face?  They're not bad memories, just memories, which eventually bring tears.  Am I emotionally ready to handle these tears? Now?  So early in the morning?  I'm not a crier, well ok, sometimes I am, but not usually... So far I am holding them back, trying to remember without the tears, trying to remember that crying won't change the memories, it will just make my face puffy and my nose congested, and is that really how I want to begin my day?

Well, who says you have to fight it?  The sweater is on.  It's too big, but yet fits just right.  Even though it's been washed, it smells perfect.  Even though it wasn't mine originally, it's mine now...  It's not a beautiful sweater, but the owner was beautiful.  Not a warm sweater, but giving me the warmth and comfort I need.  Why was it hiding in my closet?  Why am I not wearing it everyday?  Why can't I be faced with its memories, after all, good or bad, memories are memories, and they are to be cherished, right?  Am I just being silly?

Whatever... I am wearing it proudly, and thinking about all the wonderful times behind it and the owner, who was wonderful and amazing and is very much missed.  Ok, now the tears are starting, damn it! Tears or no tears, I miss you.  There, I've faced it. I said it.  Not that I don't face these emotions every day, some days are stronger than others, some days are in my face, some days are faint in the back of my mind, but still there...

I think today is one of those days, all of those days, and it all started with a sweater...

Makes Me Wonder...

I have to wonder what is wrong with some people?  What makes some people think that it's ok to act like idiots?  Do people's feelings not count anymore, and what gives you the right to just dump on someone because you can?  I have definitely met my share of idiots, and put up my own share of dumping, but why?  Who says you have to put up with it?  When did being nice to people not matter any more?  I know it's somewhat childish, but there is something to be said about the sayings "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", and "why can't we all just get along?" Life isn't always rosey, there are people that will always push your limits, people that will make you madder than you ever thought possible, but when did it become ok to treat them like crap?  Whether it's your sibling, parent, child, friend, acquaintance or a stranger on the street, everyone deserves respect and to be treated like a person...  Think about it... Understand it... Be it...