Mental Vacation...

It's been a crazy week.  So many different emotions wrapped into a few days.  I've experienced fun, fear, love, excitement, hurt, disappointment, anger and sadness... That's a lot of feelings for a person to take spread over time, but even more shoved into just a few days. 

This morning I got up and walked outside and felt the warmth of the sun on my face.  It's a beautiful morning.  The sun is shining. It's warm, very warm. Birds are chirping in the trees,  Ducks are swimming in the lake.  All just seemed peaceful, quiet, serene.  For a brief moment, all those emotions disappeared, my mind was blank, and it was just that brief moment that I stopped and realized that this is my place...

A great friend, who is always there for me, brought me to that place last night.  That peaceful, quiet, serene-blank place.  That place that everyone needs to find within themselves.  That place to clear your thoughts and think about nothing but just that moment.  For me, it's my beach.  The warm sand.  Blue water.  Clear sky.  Sound of the waves crashing.  The space that never ends, and goes on forever.  The beach where everything is possible, everything is open, everything is just waiting for you.

How is it that we lose sight of that place, and why is it sometimes so hard to find or get back to?  Why do we allow our emotions to consume us, when what we really need to do is face our emotions, and then immediately go to our place, our place where everything is just perfect?  I'm not saying that everything is perfect, because in reality, nothing is perfect.  But inside each of us, there is a place where perfection exists, our own personal perfection.  Our own place where we can retire to, even if only for a moment, where we can just be, sit and stare into that ocean and watch everything just float away into the water... Our own mental vacation.

So, for my moment, all is ok.  All is right.  All is perfect.  Any stress has floated away.  I've breathed in the clean, fresh air.  I've listened to the pulse of the water.  My mind and heart is open and clear.  It's a new day, a new moment, the start of new experiences.  I'm ready for whatever you've got to throw at me.  New feelings and emotions.  New sunrise and sunset.  New tides. New possibilities.

Believing...

Why is it that what should be a great character trait can also be one of your biggest flaws?  Is believing that people are good really such a bad thing?  Today, an amazing and long-time friend told me that seeing good in people is a great thing.  I know that is really true, but sometimes I question it and doubt myself. 

I wonder... Would I better keep myself protected if I always went into situations thinking the worst of people, until they proved themselves to me?  Is that really how I want people to see me, as the doubter?  The questioner?  I know that's not how I want to see myself, so I wouldn't want others to see me that way.

But, where do you draw the line between immediately seeing good in people and being their doormat?  It's a blurred line and a line that is easily crossed.  Are belief, trust and honesty things that should immediately be given to someone or should they have to prove themselves?  And if they have to prove themselves before those things are given, what does it take to get to that point, and once you're there, are you really worth their time because of your doubt?

It's a question that I can't answer, because for me I'm not sure what the right answer is.  I can say that I see all people as good, and believe and trust, until I'm proven otherwise.  Because that's how I see things, I can honestly say that I have been the doormat too many times.  But, what kind of person would I be if I didn't?

In reality, I know that there are people out there that have no worries in walking all over other people, and sometimes find enjoyment in it.  I feel sorry for those type of people, because what are they missing out on, and what types of people are they walking on?  People that they may need someday, but will not have the opportunity.

So, I guess I will continue to see the good in people.  I will continue to believe and trust.  And if that means that I get walked on, I guess that's how it will be.  It may be one of my best character traits and one of my biggest flaws, but it's me.  I guess you take me as I am, or you don't take me at all.  Your choice.

Question of Truth...

Truth... such a difficult word for some people to follow.  Why I wonder?  It should come so easy to everyone, after all, there is no thought behind it, it's how things actually are.  There's no making things up, telling stories, and then trying to remember the story you told, so that you don't catch yourself in an un-truth.

I have come to realize however that not everyone likes to take the easy road, and prefers the long difficult road of deceit and lies verses the road of truth.  So I question, what type of person tends to lead down the wrong road?  And what is their motivation for doing so?  Do they ever think that by going down the wrong road it will eventually lead them to the edge?  The edge of no return?  And when the edge is reached, do they care about the people left behind to pick up the pieces of un-truth and move forward?

So, let's go down this wrong road, the road of deceit and lies and the people left to pick up the pieces.  Does finding the pieces of un-truth wear them down or make them stronger? I'm sure some would think that it would wear them down, but in reality, picking the pieces up and putting them together like a puzzle only leads them to the truth, and this truth can only make them stronger!

Truth!  A powerful word!

A word that instead of tearing people apart actually brings them closer together.  A word that defines who you are and separates you from the deceit and lies.  A word that raises you up and shows the world that you cannot be broken.

So my friends, the question of truth is this...   If the truth will always set you free, then why do so many people think that the road of deceit and lies is the right path?  You will eventually be caught.  You will eventually go over that edge.  Is it/was it worth it?

Truth... A wonderful word!

A question that is no question!

To my friends... you will always find me heading down the road of truth, and will always help you down my road.  Nothing good comes from heading down the road of deceit and lies, except that it will never break true friendship.  True friendship cannot be broken, regardless of how many un-truths are told.

To my friends... I will always be there for you.  I love you all!

TRUTH!!!!  Always the right road!  Take it!  :)

Disappointment

Disappointment.... such an ugly word, and yet a word or a feeling that crosses our minds often.  Why do we allow ourselves to be disappointed?  Is it the need to be needed or wanted?  Is it that we are so consumed with the fact that things have to be perfect that we set ourselves up for failure?  But if we never strive for some type of perfection, and never end up disappointed, will we ever truly know what perfection is?  Or at least some sort of perfection? 

But I wonder... do some people really set out to purposely disappoint others?  It seems like I cross these types of people every day, but do they really mean it, or is that just how it is?  And if they aren't purposely trying to disappoint, but do, do they realize that this is what has happened?  Just wondering...  

I know that I am tired of being disappointed, but if I don't try, I'll never really know whether it was true disappointment or the way things were really supposed to be...  And is there really a difference?

Do people think about their actions and maybe how other people are feeling?  And do they really care?  Is disappointment such a common occurrence that no one really pays attention to it any more?  I guess I can't speak for others, but only for myself.  I hope that I don't ever disappoint you or anyone else, I'm sure it will happen at some point, but know that it wasn't meant to. 

Think about it... if disappointment is a part of life, and we have to accept it, then we also have to accept the fact that maybe being disappointed prepares us for something else, something else that was supposed to happen, or in some other direction that things were really supposed to go.

Either way, it's still an ugly word, but a word that I guess we need to accept, at least in some way, because regardless of how much we try, we will eventually be disappointed.  Maybe...

Possibilities

We all have those days where our possibilities seem hopeless. We get caught up in life's daily struggles and lose sight of ourselves, who we are, what we have and where we are going.

One of my favorite people is Maya Angelou.  Her words and quotes are so empowering and really make you stop and think about how you view life and it's possibilities.  One of my favorite quotes of hers is "Each of us has that right, that possibility, to invent ourselves daily.  If a person does not invent herself, she will be invented.  So, to be bodacious enough to invent ourselves is wise."

We really do invent ourselves each day.  Today we are not the same person we were yesterday, nor tomorrow will we be the same as we were today.  Each day sets us on a path, maybe not always going in the direction that we thought we would or hoped, but this path defines who we are at that moment.  If we lose sight of our possibilities for today, how can we expect that we won't lose focus on our possibilities for tomorrow?  And if each day we don't invent ourselves, then we leave it in the hands of others to invent us.  Is that really what we want?  Inventing yourself doesn't have to be a conscious decision, something you think about.  It's about believing in yourself, believing that you are special.  Believing that it's your right to be who you are, not what other people expect you to be.  Believing that your possibilities are endless. Believing to believe, to always want, to always strive, to always invent yourself into the person you want to be.

So, "Each of us has that right, that possibility, to invent ourselves daily.  If a person does not invent herself, she will be invented.  So, to be bodacious enough to invent ourselves is wise."

Mostly Good Days...

Good days, bad days.  We all have our share of both.  I would have to say I have mostly good days.  Sometimes, that darn bad day creeps up on me, although not welcomed with open arms.  Today is one of those bad days.  Probably triggered by the massive migraine I have had since this morning, which by the way, has NOT gone away, although somewhat easing off and "tolerable" (or as tolerable as a migraine can be (chock it up to good drugs still working their magic)).  Why am I not asleep??? Dogs, phones, computers, kids, neighbors, you name it, it's kept me awake!  Which if anyone knows migraine drugs, is not an easy thing to do, stay awake!

So this migraine, which has triggered my bad day, has really triggered other emotions.  Emotions I really don't want to deal with today.  So now, I'm an emotional mess, missing what seems to be everyone!  Why is it that the people that you want the most are always so far away?  Ok, they are not really that far away, just a phone call, email, or text away.  But I can't see them at this moment!  And, now is when I need to see them most... (warning, emotional mess coming up!)

I'm missing my best friend!  The one person that I can talk to about anything, who has definitely seen me at my best, and my worst, who has listened to me cry and laugh and has been there for everything else since I moved to this hell hole...  I know Reno is just a short flight away, but right now it's just too far away...

I need my girl Robin!  Who is 20 minutes down the road, but who I never get to see anymore... My friend... who I swear we are the same person inside, just in different bodies... Who has been there from the beginning and end of my "past life" and now the beginning and end of "my new life"... We have had our ups and downs, but she is my girl...

Missing everyone else in-between.  You know who you are.  Don't have to say it.

Most of all, I'm missing the one person I can't see! Or talk to!  Or listen to!  Ok, emotional mess in full swing... sparing you all... will return shortly...

So, migraine go away.  Not welcome any more. Being kicked.  Bad days no longer.  Pulling myself back together.  On with GOOD DAYS! 

Life Is Good!

Life is good!  I know I've said it a bunch of times, but it really is.  Sure, there will always be things missing, things that could be tweaked, things in my way, but they are things, and things can be changed.   It's really all just your perception on how you move toward or away from those things.  Positive attitude is everything!  Of course, it can't actually change anything, but can change how you look at it, and that is they key.

I may not have the greatest job, but I love the people I work with.  I may not live in the nicest place, but it's not a cardboard box hidden in the bushes.  I may not have a lot of money, but I have enough that we have the things that we need (and a little of what we want).  I may not be a supermodel with a perfect body, but I am perfect, perfect for me.  I may not be where I want to be, but that is just a matter of packing up and getting there.  All these things are perceptions, my perceptions; work, home, money, looks, and location are all things that can be tweaked, adjusted and changed.

Who says you have to accept things as they are?  We are constantly changing, and change is good. The ride along the way may be a bumpy one. Things may not always go in the direction you thought they would.  They may not make a lot of sense, yet.  They may look you directly in the face and make you ask why?  They may look completely impossible.  Perception; bumpy eventually turns into smooth, direction gets you where you're going, sense makes you want it even more, why makes the sense make more sense and impossible is never really impossible.

My Life is Good! 

As They Come...

Life certainly hasn't dealt me the cards that I expected it would.  Regardless, I've learned to make the best of things, as they come.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, they are obviously lessons I was meant to learn.  I've realized that there doesn't always need to be a plan.  For those who know me planning is something that I have always done.  With planning comes the pressure to succeed, and if I didn't succeed, in my own eyes I was a failure.  But looking back, I really wasn't a failure, things just took a different path, and I can say now that was ok.  I am learning to look past the "plan" and just go with it.  Just going with it has certainly led me in some interesting directions recently...  I certainly don't know how things will end up, and what kind of experiences I'll be faced with and I'm ok with that, because I am enjoying this little place called the unknown.

The unknown... certainly a very scary place for me, but also someplace that I'm learning to kind of enjoy.  Is this the start of new things to come?  So far, I've seen good things in the unknown, so I'm willing to give it a shot, take it as it comes, and enjoy every minute of it.  Makes me wonder how many things have I missed out on by not just going with it?  So for now, I'm letting it ride.  Seeing how far it can go.  Wondering what other good things are in that place that I never really ventured to go...  Want to take this ride with me, into the unknown?  So, let's go...

Knowing

Do we ever really know what we want?  Sure, we have some type of idea in maybe a direction, but in the outcome?  And if we do, is it wrong that it changes, many times?  Just as soon as I think I know what I want or how I want something to go, it changes, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.  I wouldn't call it indecisiveness, because that's not a word in my regularly vocabulary, and I am decisive, but the decision itself is changing.

How is this possible, for me anyway? I know people are ever-evolving, including myself, but shouldn't I have some type of idea at this point in my life?  Things still seem so crazy, but in a calm way.  Can that really be possible, crazy and calm together?  Ok, really anything is possible.  How about likely?  Can they work together?  I guess they can. 

In my life I have realized that anything is possible, and the most unlikely consequences are usually the best ones.  I am constantly evolving, although I don't always see the good in it, but that's only my perception, which in reality is probably pretty screwed up. 

So, back to my original question.  Do we ever really know what we want?  Should we?  Should we have things planned out, or just see what comes?  Should these decisions happen before a certain point in life, or is it normal that I'm still winging it? Is it just me that says I have to have things planned out, and is it ok if some days I think I don't have to? I guess it would be easy to realize that I don't know what I want. Ok, I do, but in an incomplete way, and I guess that's ok.  But, is it really ok?  Jury is still out deliberating...

Conundrum

So, I have a bit of a conundrum (yes, that's a big word)... I'm a a crossroads and not sure which path to take.  Certain things haven't exactly turned out like I hoped, or like I planned.  Although I'm at the beginning of the road and there's still a long way to travel, I'm questioning whether that road is the right road, or if I should just turn around and go back.  I know time will only tell whether the decision was the right one, but I'm not sure I want to wait.  I guess things will turn out like they are supposed to, and if turning around and going back is the right thing, it will happen that way. Waiting, yuck, so not one of my favorite words....

Why is it that we think sometimes that we are making the right decisions, but in reality looking back, it probably wasn't? Is it the need for adventure?  Change?  I know they say change is good, and it is, but sometimes change really isn't what we wanted at all.  Change is good, I believe that.  I have made some good changes, and I am thrilled to see where they are going to lead me, but sometimes I wonder if this was the right time.  Not on everything, just some things.  We become content in the way things are, and that's our comfort zone.  Breaking from the comfort zone isn't always easy, and it's just sometimes downright scary.  It's a necessity of life however.  I guess things will work out as they are supposed to.  Who says you have to be happy with change or with contentment, can't you have a little of both?  I guess that's where I'm at now.  I want both, to be content with change.  Can it happen?  Not sure, but I'm gonna try.  Hell, I'll never stop trying!