Therapy... Valuable Lessons...

It's been a little while since I've been here.  Ok, it's been a LONG while.  What I once used as therapy, I've somehow gotten away from.  Where have I been for the last year?  Why did I think this was no longer a positive way to express my feelings and thoughts, and instead hold them inside?  Silly, silly me.  What better way to get things in the mess of my head out, then to put them down in words!  It always helped me in the past, so I'm starting over, and starting again.  This thing called "therapy" has helped me through some of the lowest times in my life, as well as some of the happiest times, and really everything in between. And frankly, it doesn't cost a thing, other than a little time, which we all have.  So, here we go...

The last year has been a crazy one.  Full of ups and downs.  New friendships have been made.  Friendships have been lost.  Relationships formed and relationships ended.  Through it all, I have learned some valuable lessons. Lessons that I will carry with me and return to over and over again.  Isn't that what it's all about anyway?  Learning, Living, Learning again.

Lessons Learned:

Sometimes, we need a good kick in the rear to get our head out of the clouds and back to reality.  Lord knows I've been kicked a few times over the past year.  They were definitely wake up calls. Much needed wake up calls to get back down to ground level.

Sometimes, we hold on to things that we really need to let go of, for our own sanity.  Not always an easy thing to do, but necessary to move forward.  We always have to move forward.  Whether letting go or hanging on, forward is always a positive thing.

Lean on your friends, but make sure that they are "truly" friends that you can lean on.  Sometimes, those lines get blurred, between real friends and people who just play the part.  Once however you figure out who the "true" ones are, they are your rock.  Lean on them!  Talk to them! Let them be there for you!  With that said, you must be that "real" person in return. There's nothing greater than the true gift of friendship!!!  Embrace it!!!!!!

Find your beach... your happy place.  That's a lesson in itself.  If you wonder what I'm referring to, go back and read through my past therapy sessions.  You'll get it.  (and EB, thanks for helping me find my beach, my happy place, many many moons ago...)

Biggest lesson... Take a Chance!  No one gets anywhere without taking a chance.  No one wants to look back and and wonder what could have been.  If you don't take a chance, you'll never know.  That doesn't always mean that the outcome will be what you had hoped, but you'll never truly know if you don't take that leap.  It could be the GREATEST thing.  We all get a little scared, we like safe and constant.  No one gets anywhere that way unfortunately.  Stepping outside the "safe zone" is risky, but can be so worth it in the end! Don't you want to take that chance, the what could be?

Well, there you go.  Took less than an hour, didn't cost me a dime, and gave me some peace.  Not bad for a little "therapy"... Unfortunately, there are still a million other things going through my mind, but little pieces of them will come out, at the right time and the right place.  But for now,  I take a deep breath and return to my day.  Until the next session...

Tick, Tock

Tick, Tock... This thing called time. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  It's this never ending thing that we all have.  Ok, we have this never ending thing, but realistically we only have so much "live" time out of it.  Work, kids, family, friends all take little pieces and use them, and what are we left with?  We are left with precious moments that we need to take full advantage of.

In the end, is it really going to matter if that last load of laundry is done, or if you want that extra hour of sleep.  What are you missing out on?  Who are you missing out on?  Eventually there will come a day that our time will end.  Will you be happy at that moment that you did everything you could and gave everything you could, or will you be sad that you let time get in the way?

I am always hearing people say I don't have time, I'm tired, I have too much to do, I can't... Yes, you do!  Yes, you can!  Grab those moments that you have that are left and use them. Don't let them slip away. Go for what you want.  Do those things that you want to do.  See those people that you want to see.  Don't let the little things get in the way and prevent you from these opportunities that you may be letting slide out from under you.

It's the little things, the little things that are so insignificant to other people, but mean everything to you.  These little things that can be as simple as watching a movie with your kids, looking at lightning bugs in the backyard, going for ice-cream late at night, a quiet dinner with someone special or just having a simple chat.  These things are precious and can never be taken for granted and only take a small piece out of your day, but can mean such a big thing to someone.

Isn't it funny how something so small can really be so big?  It can mean the difference in questioning how someone feels and knowing how they feel.  It can be a happy moment to a rather unhappy day.  It can take a frown and turn it into a smile.  Nothing big, just something little that seems so BIG!

So, what are you waiting for?  Take those moments.  Use them.  Tell someone how you feel.  Ask that person out that you never thought you could.  Watch that movie.  Look at bugs. Eat that ice-cream.  Go to dinner.  Have that chat.  It could mean the world to someone that you took a little time out of your day for them.  That you took advantage of the moment.  That you didn't let time get in the way of what you want.

Tick, Tock.  Tick, Tock.  After all, it's nothing but time...

A Sure Thing...

A sure thing... that's what we all go in search of.  We are so afraid of the unknown that we always stick to what we know and never take a chance.  What wonderful things we could be missing out on if we just took that small leap.  I know that I have missed out on many chances because my fear stood in the way.  But what was I really afraid of?  Something new?  Certainly that can't be it.  We are faced with new things every day.  Things we knew would happen, some that we maybe expected to happen and things that were a complete surprise.  Were they really all that bad, either way?  

Change can be good, if you allow it to be.  So why all the fear?  Sure, change isn't always good, but if we never give opportunity a chance, are we jilting ourselves of defining a future that we are more inclined to love verses rather just accept?  I know that I have missed out on some great opportunities because I've let that fear take over and rule my choices and directions.  Of course, I have also taken some chances and had some pretty darn great outcomes.  


Any sane person knows that there really isn't a "sure thing" out there in any aspect of our lives.  Life is constantly evolving and changing.  It's up to us to define the boundaries and accept the path that we are given.  But how much happier and content would we be if we took a  chance every now and then?  I've always had and held on to certain "ideals" of how things should be.  Realistically, they didn't get me very far.  Sure, they provided me the life I have now, but how much different, better, content could it have been if I had made different choices and stepped outside that comfort zone and those "ideals" of how and what I thought it should be?


As I've grown older I have learned a lot.  I have learned how to put those ideals aside and go for what I want.  I haven't buried them, as they still guide me in specific directions, but they are not the cementing force any longer.  What I want... That's an interesting question.  I want a lot of things.  A lot of things that are selfish.  A lot of things for others.  Just a lot of things...  If I never take that chance, will those things slip away?  And where could those chances really take me?  It's definitely an unknown question.  I have taken some big chances recently.  With that came big changes.  I would definitely change the outcome of some of them, but overall, they were pretty darn amazing.  There were definitely struggles along the way. But I took that leap, that chance.  I went for what I wanted and I love the direction it has taken me.


I know one can never go through life and say that they didn't have regrets.  We are human after all.  It's the chances, choices and directions that we take that make us who we are.  It's not always easy, and we don't always understand, but it is what makes us human and each of us individuals.  We can't always follow the same safe path.  How boring that would be and how boring that would make us.  Take a chance every now and then.  Make a change.  Put yourself out there and don't look back.  Make that move.  If you don't or you wait too long, someone else is going to step in and take it from you.


In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited to long to make. 


So, take chances.  Go for that relationship.  Make that decision.  Don't wait for tomorrow.  Do it today!  


No regrets...

Love A Plan..

Recently, things definitely haven't gone as planned.  Plan, now that's a word that I love.  I love to plan. I love plans. I love planning things.  I am a planner.  What do you do when you entire existence is revolved around a specific plan, but yet the plan doesn't go even remotely as you thought?  Now I'm faced with the reality that I don't know what is next.  And that next is a scary place for me.  

Order.  Organization.  Structure.  Discipline. All words that define my very being.  Having a plan makes sure that those things stay where they need to.  How do you adjust to something that is so up in the air, knowing that you cannot function that way, nor do you want to function that way.  I need order.  I need organization.  I need structure.  I need discipline.  And yet I feel that I have none of those things right now. 

I feel like I am finally home, where I should be.  Unfortunately, I am still unemployed.  Now that's a scary thing.  When everything in your life follows a specific plan, and now this thing, unemployment, and not part of the plan, is staring at you in the face, what do you do?  How do you handle it?  It is so outside of my comfort zone, I am at a loss.  The need to be self sufficient has been with me since I was small.  I have always worked, taken care of myself, my children, my home.  Everything.  Now I am at this place in my life where that is not the case.  I am not working.  I am not providing for myself or my children.  Nothing!  How do I pick myself up out of this hole?

I'm here and NOTHING!  NOTHING!  NOTHING!  The hole is definitely deep.  Not unclimbable, but pretty slippery right now.  I am strong.  I have climbed out of it before.  I will do it again, but yet it seems so unreachable right now.  But I'm not going to stop.  I'll keep climbing.  One day, hopefully soon, I will reach the top.  Either by myself or with a helping hand.  But I'll get there.  I guess I do have a plan after all.  Not my original plan, by yet a plan regardless.  To keep climbing.  Whew!  I feel a little better.  A plan is only as good as the person making it.  And damn it, I got this!

Overworked. Underpaid. Under-Appreciated.

I'm sitting here, frustrated at my 16 year old, who at 6am finds it necessary to get me all worked up.  I don't think he does it on purpose, he just does.  Or, maybe it's me, and I'm reading more into things that what is really there.  I'm still pondering that one.

Some days I feel like there should be a button that you can press, to go back to when you crawled out of bed, and just start over.  Too many days I get up, all is great, then the reality of being a single parent, trying to survive on one income in this horrible economy hits me.  At that moment I feel completely overworked, underpaid and very much under-appreciated.  Am I the only one who feels like this?

In my set of circumstances, that is my life.  It has not been an easy road.  It surely has been bumpy, with more bad weather along the way than sunshine.  I truly believe that this bad weather is what makes us who we are.  Would I be the person I am today without the bumps?  I can't really say.

Overworked.  Ok-not really.  Yes, I work a full time job, and then come home to being a full time mom.  Is it really that hard?  Work, no.  Mom, sometimes.  Thankfully, my kids are now teenagers and can mostly fend for themselves.  Yes, I am the ATM machine, taxi driver, maid, cook and a million other things.  And, other than the occasional smart mouth, I actually have it pretty darn easy.  At times it would be nice to be able to defer to another adult, but it is what it is.

Underpaid.  YES!  Remember, employee, mom, ATM machine, taxi driver, maid, cook, etc... I don't think you could actually put a salary on all of those things.  Unfortunately, it comes with the job that the pay sucks, and that's not going to change.  Now, if I could just get my 16 year old to get a job... (just kidding...)

Under-Appreciated.  What a touchy one.  Kids- absolutely!  I don't think that there is anything that I can do as a parent to change this situation.  No matter how hard a parent tries, or does, kids will never appreciate what they do.  This will change when they become adults, so patience is my key.  Work- sometimes.  I do feel appreciated at work, most of the time.  Of course, everyone I think feels a little under-appreciated at times, and wishes that they were recognized occasionally (with a fat pay-increase!).  It just comes with the job.  Life in general-???  I think sometimes we all need to step back and look at our friends, family, and co-workers and appreciate them more.  We don't always think about, nor realize, exactly what others do for us.  It's not always helping, or giving.  Sometimes it's just being there.  They should be appreciated if nothing else, for that.  Everyday.

I think everyone, at some point, even every day, feels a little overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated.  It's life.  It's reality.  The key is where you go with it.  So, I am up, no button to press to do-over.  Ready for the sunshine.

Spinning...

Ever feel like your life is on a constant merry-go-round?  Same faces, same music, same view?  Are we destined to stay on the ride, or can we just get off any time we want?

And, why do we stay on ride?  We know it's not going anywhere.  We know it's no longer fun. So why do we subject ourselves to the constant spinning?  Is it the hope that the music will change, the faces will change or the view will change?  Or is it just the fear of the unknown?

I think we are just so used to what is and what we know that we are afraid to try something new.  Or is it that we have tried something new and it wasn't what we thought it would be so we went back to what we knew, what was "safe"?

The spinning after a while makes you sick. Makes you want to scream stop.  STOP!  But are you screaming loud enough so that anyone can hear you?  And are you screaming loud enough to make the spinning stop?  Can you hear you or are you only screaming in your silent mind?

Spinning and spinning... round 'n round...  I want off.  Stop the music.  Want new faces.  Need a new view.  I'm screaming...  still spinning... STOP!

It's an Attitude...

By definition, Happiness is a mental state of well being characterized by positive emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.  It was recently brought to my attention that in order to truly be considered "happy" one must be happy all the time.  Reality is that no one is truly happy at every moment, however, that doesn't mean that one is not happy overall. 

In a "normal world" we are allowed to have a bad minute, hour, day, week, month or even a year if we want.  That however doesn't mean that we are not happy, just we are having a bad moment.  Some people, ok most people, find happiness in the little things, which when put together, completes happiness on a larger level.  For others, and it's a small number, this is not the case.  These people are generally unhappy in their daily lives, and deflect their unhappiness on others in order to make their unhappiness seem less. 

Is this fair?  To say hurtful things to other people to make yourself feel better?  To do things to try and bring other people down? What kind of person does this?

Just a short while ago I was told that I was a miserably unhappy person.  This caught me completely off guard because it is so far from the truth.  Sure, I have bad days, just like every other person does, but I am truly happy.  Not always happy with my situation at times, not always happy with every person at every moment, but overall, happy.  So, where is the line drawn and do we really have to prove to other people our sense of happiness? 

In my opinion, being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.  Nothing is perfect.  It's appreciation for who we are, and what we have.  It's a general feeling of self worth, of love, and respect for yourself and for others.  Its an attitude, and it's up to you to decide the path you take.  I know which path I choose...

"Happiness is an attitude.  We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong.  The amount of work is the same".  (Francesca Reigler)

Mental Vacation...

It's been a crazy week.  So many different emotions wrapped into a few days.  I've experienced fun, fear, love, excitement, hurt, disappointment, anger and sadness... That's a lot of feelings for a person to take spread over time, but even more shoved into just a few days. 

This morning I got up and walked outside and felt the warmth of the sun on my face.  It's a beautiful morning.  The sun is shining. It's warm, very warm. Birds are chirping in the trees,  Ducks are swimming in the lake.  All just seemed peaceful, quiet, serene.  For a brief moment, all those emotions disappeared, my mind was blank, and it was just that brief moment that I stopped and realized that this is my place...

A great friend, who is always there for me, brought me to that place last night.  That peaceful, quiet, serene-blank place.  That place that everyone needs to find within themselves.  That place to clear your thoughts and think about nothing but just that moment.  For me, it's my beach.  The warm sand.  Blue water.  Clear sky.  Sound of the waves crashing.  The space that never ends, and goes on forever.  The beach where everything is possible, everything is open, everything is just waiting for you.

How is it that we lose sight of that place, and why is it sometimes so hard to find or get back to?  Why do we allow our emotions to consume us, when what we really need to do is face our emotions, and then immediately go to our place, our place where everything is just perfect?  I'm not saying that everything is perfect, because in reality, nothing is perfect.  But inside each of us, there is a place where perfection exists, our own personal perfection.  Our own place where we can retire to, even if only for a moment, where we can just be, sit and stare into that ocean and watch everything just float away into the water... Our own mental vacation.

So, for my moment, all is ok.  All is right.  All is perfect.  Any stress has floated away.  I've breathed in the clean, fresh air.  I've listened to the pulse of the water.  My mind and heart is open and clear.  It's a new day, a new moment, the start of new experiences.  I'm ready for whatever you've got to throw at me.  New feelings and emotions.  New sunrise and sunset.  New tides. New possibilities.

Believing...

Why is it that what should be a great character trait can also be one of your biggest flaws?  Is believing that people are good really such a bad thing?  Today, an amazing and long-time friend told me that seeing good in people is a great thing.  I know that is really true, but sometimes I question it and doubt myself. 

I wonder... Would I better keep myself protected if I always went into situations thinking the worst of people, until they proved themselves to me?  Is that really how I want people to see me, as the doubter?  The questioner?  I know that's not how I want to see myself, so I wouldn't want others to see me that way.

But, where do you draw the line between immediately seeing good in people and being their doormat?  It's a blurred line and a line that is easily crossed.  Are belief, trust and honesty things that should immediately be given to someone or should they have to prove themselves?  And if they have to prove themselves before those things are given, what does it take to get to that point, and once you're there, are you really worth their time because of your doubt?

It's a question that I can't answer, because for me I'm not sure what the right answer is.  I can say that I see all people as good, and believe and trust, until I'm proven otherwise.  Because that's how I see things, I can honestly say that I have been the doormat too many times.  But, what kind of person would I be if I didn't?

In reality, I know that there are people out there that have no worries in walking all over other people, and sometimes find enjoyment in it.  I feel sorry for those type of people, because what are they missing out on, and what types of people are they walking on?  People that they may need someday, but will not have the opportunity.

So, I guess I will continue to see the good in people.  I will continue to believe and trust.  And if that means that I get walked on, I guess that's how it will be.  It may be one of my best character traits and one of my biggest flaws, but it's me.  I guess you take me as I am, or you don't take me at all.  Your choice.

Question of Truth...

Truth... such a difficult word for some people to follow.  Why I wonder?  It should come so easy to everyone, after all, there is no thought behind it, it's how things actually are.  There's no making things up, telling stories, and then trying to remember the story you told, so that you don't catch yourself in an un-truth.

I have come to realize however that not everyone likes to take the easy road, and prefers the long difficult road of deceit and lies verses the road of truth.  So I question, what type of person tends to lead down the wrong road?  And what is their motivation for doing so?  Do they ever think that by going down the wrong road it will eventually lead them to the edge?  The edge of no return?  And when the edge is reached, do they care about the people left behind to pick up the pieces of un-truth and move forward?

So, let's go down this wrong road, the road of deceit and lies and the people left to pick up the pieces.  Does finding the pieces of un-truth wear them down or make them stronger? I'm sure some would think that it would wear them down, but in reality, picking the pieces up and putting them together like a puzzle only leads them to the truth, and this truth can only make them stronger!

Truth!  A powerful word!

A word that instead of tearing people apart actually brings them closer together.  A word that defines who you are and separates you from the deceit and lies.  A word that raises you up and shows the world that you cannot be broken.

So my friends, the question of truth is this...   If the truth will always set you free, then why do so many people think that the road of deceit and lies is the right path?  You will eventually be caught.  You will eventually go over that edge.  Is it/was it worth it?

Truth... A wonderful word!

A question that is no question!

To my friends... you will always find me heading down the road of truth, and will always help you down my road.  Nothing good comes from heading down the road of deceit and lies, except that it will never break true friendship.  True friendship cannot be broken, regardless of how many un-truths are told.

To my friends... I will always be there for you.  I love you all!

TRUTH!!!!  Always the right road!  Take it!  :)